The world would be better off without me Niall centric
by Elmo Fitzgerald
Summary: Niall reflects on his life. includes self harm, suicide and character death.
**This is a one shot in which Niall reflects on his life and the events leading up to him taking his life, includes self harm, suicide and character death. It's pretty shitty! :)**

Niall doesn't remember the first day he decided he'd had enough of his life, he can't remember the first time he sat inside his room in the pitch black, crying uncontrollably, niall can't remember when his appetite stopped, Niall doesn't know what got him here, but all he knows is, he's standing at the top of a bridge ready to jump in the icy waters below.

It wasn't a sudden thing, he didn't just wake up and hate his life, the hatred for himself was always there it's just he had learnt to live with it, accept the fact he was never going to be good enough, come to terms with the fact that he knew for certain that one day he would end his life.

One Direction was and still is the best thing that could ever of happened, being put in the band with these other four boys, who over time became brothers was still the highlight of his life, they were a distraction from the pain and hatred for a while, but like all distractions, it was only temporary, and after awhile he felt himself plummeting back in to the darkness of depression.

Niall didn't have a hard or difficult childhood, he had two loving parents and an older brother who would do anything for him, they were never the issue, he was, when he was younger he always, like every other child, had his good and bad days, but unlike most, it wasn't some tedious issue that was easily resolved with a simple 'sorry', it was the kind of bad day that resulted with him being completely bedridden, unable to move or eat, it was the kind of bad day that only resolved when a blade was sliced across his skin.

Of course there was the good days, the days when he could feel, the days when the darkness and numbness disappeared and he could laugh with his family without a care in the world, the days when the blade stayed firmly in the pillowcase of his bed, the days when his cuts had time to heal and the skin remained untouched, for a while anyway.

They say nothing can stay hidden forever, for Niall this couldn't be more true, he had expected it really, there's only so long one can wear long sleeve t-shirts all year round, despite the fact he had expected it didn't make it any easier, he certainly didn't expect it to be in some dingy bathroom at some filthy little restaurant, everything had been going fine until Greg decided it was the perfect time to explain in full detail about how he aced every test and exam he ever took, it was one snide remark from his dad about the fact "that boy has never passed a test in his life" that led Niall to escaping the table, he had managed to reach the bathroom before he broke, horrible hiccup like sobs erupting from his small frame, shoulders trembling as the tears poured down his cheeks in a frightening pace, he thought he had locked the stupid door, but it turns out little dingy restaurants don't have working locks, he had barley reached the blade from his pocket when the door opened, it was Greg who found him, sitting on the dirty floor with a blade to his arm, he had expected shouting, maybe even a slap to the face, What he didn't expect however was for him to let out an almighty shout as he dived forward, successfully taking the blade from his grip as he collapsed to his knees and pulled the small boy to his chest, silent tears pouring from his eyes as he rocked his brother back n' forth, a repetitive litany of "I should've known" and "I'm so sorry" as he rocked the sobbing boy in his arms.

After that his family was never the same, his mother tried to understand, like all mothers she tried to help, but like most she failed, his father barley spoke to him any more, you could see the disappointment clear in his eyes, Niall didn't blame him he was disgusted too, Greg tried to help in his own way, he attempted to get through to him but after awhile he grew tired and eventually gave up, Niall couldn't determine whether he liked that or not.

It was when he was 16 he decided to try for the X factor, he got as far as boot camp before he was declined only to be called back along with four other boys and were placed in a group together, Niall knew he wasn't as talented or as attractive as the others, but he didn't mind, to these boys he could be whoever he wanted, to them he was some Irish kid with crooked teeth who ate and laughed more then was considered normal, he didn't mind that, as long as they never found out the truth behind his smiles.

After awhile Niall was told frequently off his irrelevancy, his Twitter was plastered with people pointing out the fact he couldn't sing as good as the others, wasn't as attractive as the other members, he pretended it didn't hurt, he claimed he was fine, but the truth was he wasn't, so once again Niall found release in the blade.

Niall knew the day would eventually come, the day when he would end his life, he found the perfect place, an old bridge above some icy water.

Niall left four letters addressed to the boys who had long since become his brothers.

Niall jumped from the bridge in to the forever, dark abyss.

The boys cried for the boy who had long since became their brother.


End file.
